The Year of Many Firsts

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The year of many firsts  was a happy, though, also demanding year. 28 hours before it will find its end, I would like to share some moments of my year with you, homely readers.

I finally made peace with my last love, who also left the country to go to London (might have helped).  He is a beautiful person and I wish him all the earthly and heavenly best.

I shook a lot of hands, smiled, and talked while meeting ambassadors to the UN during a short visit in Geneva, Switzerland; very inspiring – there were times when I could literally smell the power and its limitations. I wanted to scrape it off their shiny suits, yet, I controlled myself.

I went to my first international conference in NYC which, out of many things, most importantly revealed to me what I may be capable of – and what not -.

I visited the lovely Ally, my roommate from College, in Ithaca. I love you.

My mum, my sister, and I surprised my dad with a charming garden birthday party.

I went on a desperately needed holiday to France despite the fact that I was drowning in work – a personal triumph. I only took three dresses, a bikini, beach towels, a jeans jacket, and 5 books and drove off with a little camping bus. I was eating food and drinking wine like I had not done so for the last decade. It was divine.

There was a day in August when I had the feeling that all the hard work, lonely hours behind desks, and the heart-blood of the last couple of years paid off. I was smilingly flying through the little town I live in – let me tell you it was beyond words.

I wrote my first abstract for running a workshop at a national conference, actually got accepted and went through with it. I am relived to share with you that it was quite well received.

I let a friend down to secure my own happiness which I struggle with every day since then … we will see how this may end.

I changed my own idea of what kind of love I deserve.

My beloved mother got quite ill, though, she is slowly on the mend. This change is still indescribably scary to me.

I submitted my first article to a little scholarly magazine.

In retrospect this year was fast and breathtaking, sometimes tiring, sometimes enchanting, always surreal.

One last word – My dear reader, my dear writer, thank you for your seconds, minutes, hours – your hearts, minds, and ears. I promise to spend more time writing next year. Thank you for your companionship.

Yours truly,

K.

Bourges, France

Now, I am a plate

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chuck close plate

Such a chance! Why not earlier.

How long did I endure…

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Little shredded fragments of white,

shiny Chinese ocean snails.

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Jump into me – do dare!-

Absorb, fulfill me.

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Deliriously implant yourselves, armies of good

taste, into my mind. Invade my corpus.

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We are what you are. Convert me into you.

One substance into the other.

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Consume, eat, over-eat, puke, metabolize,

become who you always wanted to subsist.

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Now, I am a plate.

(Photo credit: popelegantiarum.blogspot.com)

Hope I

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There is a secret, an ancient root, in most of us.

“Most of us” because some of us souls are unable to see,

or not ready to find

yet.

You need to learn to comprehend, to seize.

It is the very sound ability

to recognize, value, and identify with the strengths which are

the very essence of our being.

Now, do not be cynical because we are trained to be.

Be not distrustful

to the root of the root of this virtue

because it is presumed that there is only o*n*e choice.

Do not dare.

Be eased since every root can be cultivated.

Be nurtured.

Hope II

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The root, though, in itself, as the basis of the basis we mysteriously call …

Lonesomely may not release you to prevail.

To complete.

It needs absorption

to hinder our holistic passion for the prevailing

unconstructive.

Be solidly, deeply empowered trough and with what we call

****

Strive upon it.

It is the root, of the basis, of a mystery

we call

****.

Human Cattle

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1.  A presumed dignity established by a presupposed likeness.

2. Culturally insensitive for the greater and fluffy good.

3. Furry and trained domestication, every step of the way.

4. Spread everywhere, to feet and cure the pink masses.

5. Forbidden spots against the future.

6. Cramped together in modern temples of force.

7. The goal is to massively praise the short-lived busy.

8. “In the name of progress we outgrow…”

9. Producing, equipping, destroying, outliving, inventing, constructing, authorizing knowledge.

10. Don’t you dare disillusion these stuffy monsters.

11. Pure, poisoned, panic, possessions, pressed, pounding.

12. Hope: Deconstruct them, leave them, let them …

Bankrupted Idealism: A National Tale

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To believe, to believe strongly and persuasively in the cause, to be driven by that believe, to leave the house, to feel almost spiritual, to look around you, to be secretive,  to take a deep, cold breath, to set one foot in front of the other, in front of the other, to think of doing a right and just deed, to take the final step, to open the car door, to sit down, to be highly concentrated, to turn on the engine, to smell the gasoline, to grasp the universe, to drive down the street.

To arrive at the building, to put on a mask, to think of it as a fundamental practice, to get out, to feel something  near your living body, to remember the gun, to comprehend superiority, to put one foot in front of the other, of the other, to recognize one’s reflection in the mirror, to understand the necessity, to feel noteworthy, to ignore one’s reflection, to open the door, to enter the building, to pull the gun, to stop thinking, to pull the trigger, to stop comprehending, to move to the cashier, to stop caring, to fire a shot, to demand the cause, to scream, to go blank.

To find oneself back in the car, to persist of adrenaline, to be certain, to open your eyes widely, to widen one’s pupils, to regain one’s body, to look down, to feel the thrill, to see a bag, to open the bag, to rationally perceive the green lengths, to feel the rush, to subjectively consider its value, to lean back, to think of limitations, to feel one’s beat, to stare, to imagine the life one never had, to linger, to pause for the truth,  to wait, to halt for principles, to stop, to rest for comfort.

To start the engine, to drive, to stare at the road, to see black tar curtains, to turn right, to cross corrupted lines, to pass, to feel vulnerable, to be, to breathe shortly, to have contractions in one’s chest, to turn left, to feel them again, to remember one’s believes, to close one’s eyes, to open them, to concentrate on the street, to have prickling hands, to hear the screams, to go straight ahead, to swallow them down,  to breathe heavily,  to stop the car, to inhale the cold, to look in the back-mirror, to remember the warning-light, to gasp for air, to gasp for nothing, to see nothing, to take it in, to go numb, to detach, to unfeel.

To have grown up in a materialistic society, to understand the dynamics of value, to be branded by it, to be denounced physically, to be controlled mentally, to know one’s creditors,  to limit one’s principles, to be under constraint

to not look back.